What Matters Most

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What Matters Most    Divorce is devastating, never easy.  To all outward appearances,  Jill Butler had a wonderful life but sometimes things are not what they seem to be.

In the middle of marriage, Jill stepped back, saying to herself, “This is not who I want to be.”

She had grown comfortable with an affluent lifestyle, what she calls her “addiction to the checkbook.”  She knew, however, if she left her marriage she’d need to reinvent herself and support herself once again.  After ten years of marriage, it took another six years for Jill to regain her confidence before she could return to single life.

Although the affluence afforded her privilege and convenience, what she experienced in her marriage was “…a lifestyle and a culture of arrogance and needing to own whatever was around.  [My husband] was a man who wanted to own me.  So, his behavior was very controlling in this very beautiful lifestyle.”  Very slowly, Butler became a person she didn’t like: “…very demanding, very arrogant and a little bit snippy.”

The story of Butler’s transformation is chronicled in her book, Create the Space You Deserve.  The best that Jill deserved didn’t revolve around an affluent lifestyle.  The best she could give herself was the opportunity to create new ideas and share with others.  According to Butler, marriage “…was not an environment that would allow me to do that because [my husband] had a script that was not my script.”

What triggered Butler’s decision to marry had been a tanking economy in the early 1980s, and she got scared.  It was the fear factor of a poor economy that caused her to go “under the umbrella” of an affluent marriage.

She found journal writing as a means to get her emotions out in front of her, acknowledging ideas and feelings.  It also opened the way to Create the Space You Deserve.  Personal journal writing became Butler’s outlet for having a conversation with her self about transforming her life.

 Walking as Therapy

Jill believes that sometimes we talk too much to others about our problems.  We need to take a deep breath, sit and be quiet.  “Get off the media.  Get off the cell phones.  Get off the music, the television and the internet.  Listen to the silent voice within,” says Butler.

Jill continues, “We know it all.  We know the answers to all of this already.  But the world, and we who are attached to it and actually hooked on it, haven’t learned to step back.  What matters is the picture we see for ourselves.  What’s the languaging we want to hear?  What do we already know?”

Jill’s advice?  Sit in meditation.  Take a walk in nature.  No media.  No cell phone.

What Butler finds interesting about walking is “…in the body, there are answers to everything.  When we move-walk, swim, dance-all of those answers is released.  But, if we’re plugged in, there’s already too much static, we’ll never hear it.”

We need to identify when we’re inside an emotional hole and recognize that we’re inside that hole.  If we can’t do it alone, then we need to find a professional who can help us address the issue, either in therapy or with someone who is actually going to point out the real issue, not discuss the issue in idle chit chat that becomes a pity party.

“The moment of greatest learning is when we’re inside this great big hole,” offers Jill.  “When we don’t know where we’re going, it’s an opportunity to choose again, to choose anew.  If we dare go in there, be quiet and take the walk that allows us to hear nature or hear ourselves think, then we get disconnected from everybody else’s message.”

Butler encourages us to look inside ourselves for answers.  Engage the world then go back inside yourself.  Quietly.  Write it down.  See what you’ve written, see how you feel.  “Sometimes we don’t even know how we feel.  We’re racing.  We’re in our cars, running to dinner, we’re working, we’re so important…we’re on the internet, we’re calling.

“It becomes a luxury to literally do nothing.  Sitting and looking out the window at the void,” as she calls it, is one of her greatest sources of inspiration.  “There’s no agenda.  We’re not looking for anything.  We’re open.  We need to take the time to step away from our busy lives, look into the nothingness and find balance.”

Experiential Learning

Jill is extremely aware of life as the ultimate school.  Butler is interested in the whole package, the combination of the emotional, the mental and the physical.  She claims, “Everything I’ve gained is a result of my willingness to walk into the unknown.”

Even though her marriage didn’t work out, she’d never trade it for anything else.  Jill has learned a new emotional vocabulary, a new emotional aesthetic, and writing more than ever before.  She inspires others to “create their own vision” by sharing with them what she found useful as she walked her own pathway.

What is to be admired about Jill Butler is how she trusts the process offered through experiential learning.  “There’s always a way through whatever it is.  Sometimes, it’s a little embarrassing that we have to ask for help and would rather not.

“We get ourselves into these situations, and it’s embarrassing to admit that we need somebody’s help.  It’s awkward, we feel dumb, we feel inadequate and we’re beating ourselves up because we need help.  So, if anybody’s in that place of being afraid because they’re embarrassed…go ahead, be embarrassed…but, then get the help anyway.”

What matters most in Jill’s life is to be able to create the space she deserves in her personal and professional life.  When she’s able to create, write and get a chance to share it with others, she’s a happy gal.